From Nigeria With Love...

First, a little background. I stumbled accross a profile amongst some random googling one night, which reads:

"Im a lady who love traveling all the time cos of the nature of work i do,i like dacing camping,and i can say those are my hobbies,i like to make friends always,will love to meet a man in my state,so we can work things out fast,because I'm not getting any younger and i need a family of my own."

First, notice the obvious mistakes? It took them a number of weeks to respond to me, but I knew before I contacted them who they were, and what their game was. You don't have to be psychic, just cautious. Usually they tend to be over-eager. To start contact, I created an account, and sent a message that said, simply, "Hi." That was it, nothing else.

Now, here are the pictures in the profile. I don't know who this woman really is, but I feel sorry for the fact that her picture is being used to rip people off.



When they contacted me, the message was:

Hello,
I saw your profile,i like it and will want to know more about you if things can work out cos am looking for a serious man.I work as a designer,i like to a little or outdoors and love privacy.I would really love to chat and meet you.I am looking for a trustworthy man.

I would and want you to email me privacy and also add me on your yahoo messenger I M chat so that we can start from there,jenny_campbell007@yahoo.com.so we can know much more about each other and get to meet soon,,
cares
Jenny

Again, more errors. They really must not take it seriously. How the hell can you email someone privacy anyway? If anyone can figure out a way to transfer such concepts by email, let me know. If you can't see where this is going by now, then read the rest very carefully.

Thus, I sent them an fateful IM, and a conversation started:

(11:08:09) tim_hentenaar: Hi. How are you?
(11:08:24) jenny_campbell007: :((
(11:08:33) jenny_campbell007: Im not happy here
(11:08:49) tim_hentenaar: What's wrong?
(11:09:36) jenny_campbell007: i was on my way to catch the next flight homw when i found out one of my travelling document is missing

Again, read that last line very, very carefully. They seem not to want to waste any time getting down to business. The whole "I'm stuck at the airport and need a few hundred bucks" routine is old and tired. If someone's stuck at the airport, they call their family, or their friends. Not someone they met not only five minutes ago.

(11:12:27) jenny_campbell007 has signed off.
(11:12:49) jenny_campbell007 has signed on.
(11:12:52) tim_hentenaar: welcome back
(11:13:50) jenny_campbell007: thank you
(11:13:53) jenny_campbell007: i got booted
(11:18:21) jenny_campbell007 has signed off.
(11:18:59) jenny_campbell007 has signed on.
(11:19:12) tim_hentenaar: welcome back once more
(11:19:26) jenny_campbell007: thank you
(11:19:36) jenny_campbell007: well i will like to get to know you
(11:19:40) jenny_campbell007: and meet you
(11:20:00) jenny_campbell007: My name is Jennifer Caythia Campbell
(11:20:18) jenny_campbell007: i really wish im at home now so we can meet real soon
(11:20:34) tim_hentenaar: Nice to meet you. Where is "home?"
(11:20:48) jenny_campbell007: but im not happy here cos i lost my travelling document
(11:21:00) jenny_campbell007: Tipp City Ohio is home
(11:21:19) tim_hentenaar: Interesting, I've been up around there.
(11:21:51) tim_hentenaar: Miami county, if I remember correctly
(11:22:24) jenny_campbell007: yes
(11:22:29) jenny_campbell007: where are you now?
(11:23:25) tim_hentenaar: Down here in Cincinnati
(11:23:33) jenny_campbell007: im stranded here .....i will like to be home with the next flight but the aiport told me i have to renew my passport which i dont have enough money to do here
(11:23:45) tim_hentenaar: Where are you?
(11:24:30) jenny_campbell007: im here in Africa on a bussiness trip
(11:24:43) tim_hentenaar: Ah, what do you do for a living, and where in Africa are you?
(11:25:36) jenny_campbell007: Im originally an art designer and i trade artworks and scuptures too
(11:25:42) jenny_campbell007: Im in Nigeria
(11:26:09) jenny_campbell007: Have you ever been to Africa
(11:26:10) jenny_campbell007: ?
(11:26:19) tim_hentenaar: Interesting. No.

In Nigeria? How the hell did I ever guess. Keep in mind: A passport can only be renewed at an Embassy or Consulate. Someone who invests in fine art or antiquities would have no problem having their arrangements in order. Besides, who the hell would do business in Nigeria anyway? That place is a shithole!

(11:26:31) jenny_campbell007: okay cool
(11:28:04) jenny_campbell007: Well im not used to the computer but i have been going through hell here since i have been stranded,i have been crying and i cant sleep cos im outside in the cold no where to get back too except home ....and i have to renew my passport to get on plane and that will cost 350 which i dont have here...
(11:29:11) jenny_campbell007: i have tried using my credit card at the Atms centre here ,but i wont work until i get to the state.......just confused more every minute dont know what to do
(11:30:01) tim_hentenaar: It must be very stressful. I've never had such misfortune.
(11:31:10) jenny_campbell007: yes it is.......and there is another flight here in the afternoon today which i will love to catch home....but still dont know how to get the 350
(11:31:50) jenny_campbell007: so i will be able to renew the passport and come back home
(11:33:27) tim_hentenaar: Yeah, that is painful, I must imagine. Did you pay for the tickets in advance?
(11:35:01) jenny_campbell007: yes...i have a return ticket...i dont have problem with the ticket...the only problem thats keeping me away from home now is the 350 i needed to renew my passport
(11:35:28) tim_hentenaar: What will you do if/when you get home?
(11:36:05) jenny_campbell007: I will be happy to be home Tim
(11:36:48) jenny_campbell007: Cos i have a plan of opening a gallery as soon as i get home where i can display artworks
(11:37:18) jenny_campbell007: just dont know what to do........just a little amount is keeping me away
(11:39:01) jenny_campbell007: Im sorry if this is gloing to bother you.....though we hardly know each other cos we just met.....but i can tell you i have liked you from your profile and i will loyallly ask you if you can help me with this i will be glad and i will pay you back when i get home since i will be bale to use my card

The funny thing here, is that when they said $350, I could only think of that episode of South Park where the Loch Ness Monster keeps following a guy around saying "I think I need about three-fifty." It's been a long time since I'd seen that, but that was the first thing that came to mind. Again, they seem to want to get right down to business, which was kindly disappointing. I was hoping they'd draw out the sob story a little more...

(11:51:49) jenny_campbell007: how do you intend to help me with the 350?
(11:52:16) tim_hentenaar: Well, by God, there's always a way.
(11:52:49) jenny_campbell007: okay thank you
(11:52:49) jenny_campbell007: And i promise i will pay you back
(11:53:11) jenny_campbell007: Is there anyway you can help me now so i will be on the next flight home
(11:53:34) jenny_campbell007: ?
(11:54:41) tim_hentenaar: Well, I could use my teleporter. Before I agree to lend you that money, I'd like to take a little bit of time to get to know you a bit better. I hope you understand.
(11:55:22) jenny_campbell007: yes i understand
(11:57:03) tim_hentenaar: When is your birthday, and what year were you born, I'm curious.
(11:58:43) jenny_campbell007 has buzzed you!
(11:59:04) tim_hentenaar: Well? When is your birthday?
(00:00:46) jenny_campbell007: hello
(00:00:51) jenny_campbell007: can read me?
(00:01:00) tim_hentenaar: Yes, I just had asked you a question
(00:01:34) jenny_campbell007: im 29 yrs old
(00:01:53) jenny_campbell007: and my birthday is on dec 24
(00:02:17) tim_hentenaar: That's an interesting birthday.
(00:02:19) tim_hentenaar:
(00:02:36) jenny_campbell007: thank you
(00:02:48) jenny_campbell007: how long will you still be online?
(00:03:13) jenny_campbell007: i guess the time there is 12:03am right?
(00:03:21) tim_hentenaar: Yeah, round about
(00:03:43) jenny_campbell007: okay that good
(00:04:45) jenny_campbell007: just wondering if you can get to western union store too so you can help me send the 350 to the airport financial sec so i will be bale to get on the next flight
(00:06:13) jenny_campbell007: Just want to be sure i have the problem solved so i will be very happy to talk happily with you
(00:06:35) tim_hentenaar: well, of course.
(00:08:39) jenny_campbell007: okay.....i already have the info on how to get the money through western union to the travel agency at the airport....do i give it to you if there any western union open then you send it at onces and when you get back we will pop champagne together
(00:08:55) tim_hentenaar: sure
(00:09:13) jenny_campbell007: okay get a pen a biro
(00:09:29) jenny_campbell007: to write it down
(00:09:35) tim_hentenaar: okay
(00:10:45) tim_hentenaar: You need about three-fifty right?
(00:10:53) jenny_campbell007: yes dear

That last bit was a reference to the South Park episode. Notice the delivery method: Western Union.
Some time, and a little BS on my end...

(00:40:34) jenny_campbell007: How i wish im there now so we can celebrate together
(00:40:40) tim_hentenaar: me too
(00:41:07) jenny_campbell007: but if you can help me with the money we will meet today
(00:41:23) jenny_campbell007: okay thats will be great
(00:41:36) tim_hentenaar: So, what do you want to do when we meet?
(00:41:56) jenny_campbell007: we will have date....like go out to eat
(00:42:15) jenny_campbell007: then talk about how we can work things out about dating one another
(00:42:26) jenny_campbell007: im really looking for a serious man
(00:42:51) jenny_campbell007: a man that can show me love and that i will sincerely love bcak in return
(00:44:25) jenny_campbell007: I cant wait to meet you in person......do you have the pen and paper now to write down the information?
(00:44:33) tim_hentenaar: Yes, I do
(00:44:47) jenny_campbell007:
Name:Oyeniyi Femi
country:Nigeria
state:Ondo
City:Akure
Amount:350usd
Test question:what is the money for?
Answer:Jenny's travelling document
(00:47:21) jenny_campbell007: Have you written it down?
(00:47:47) tim_hentenaar: Just a moment, I write slow
(00:47:57) jenny_campbell007: okay dear
(00:50:12) jenny_campbell007: do you know any western union store around you?
(00:50:20) tim_hentenaar: Of course.
(00:50:26) jenny_campbell007: okay good
(00:50:42) jenny_campbell007: and how soon are you going to send the money?

Now, notice the feigned enthusiasm, and look especially hard at the "information." I believe the person listed there is an accountant in Nigeria, and the whole Question/Answer BS I would think is a way of tracking which scam the money came in from. A little of time elapses... Bear in mind, I never sent a dime. I was contemplating sending $1 under an assumed name just for laughs...

(01:22:15) jenny_campbell007: baby im so curoius about getting home
(01:22:41) jenny_campbell007: Dear please i want to ask you something now dear
(01:22:47) tim_hentenaar: sure
(01:23:58) jenny_campbell007: baby can you talk with the travelling agent online now so you can tell them when you can send the money
(01:24:34) jenny_campbell007: i have accepted it
(01:24:53) tim_hentenaar: Sure. I will be glad to in just a few minutes
(01:29:37) jenny_campbell007: his yahoo id is jakkyslife@yahoo.com....will you talk with him now
(01:29:59) tim_hentenaar: Have him IM me, and I'll see what he has to say.
(01:30:14) jenny_campbell007: okay

This is where it got interesting. Now they bring the "travel agent" into it. He couldn't find his ass with a map and three hands.

(01:31:35) jakkyslife: Hello sir
(01:31:55) tim_hentenaar: Hallo.
(01:32:20) jakkyslife: This is the travelling agent here sir
(01:32:36) jakkyslife: Jenny told me to talk with you sir
(01:32:45) tim_hentenaar: Well, by God, what can I do for you?
(01:33:28) jakkyslife: Well she wants the renewal of her passport.....
(01:33:43) tim_hentenaar: So she's told me.
(01:34:54) jakkyslife: so she can be able to make the next flight.....she taold me you have the information on how you send us the 350usd that is needed for this
(01:35:10) tim_hentenaar: Well, by God!
(01:35:29) tim_hentenaar: So how the hell do I clear this up? I don't like having my time wasted, so get to the point
(01:35:48) jakkyslife: Okay good,what time will you send the money sir?
(01:36:10) tim_hentenaar: Soon. Very soon.
(01:36:20) tim_hentenaar: What forms of payment do you accept?
(01:37:20) jakkyslife: ?
(01:37:37) tim_hentenaar: I'll ask again, what forms of payment do you accept?
(01:39:24) jakkyslife: You have to locate a western union store to send it to the information she gave you
(01:39:33) tim_hentenaar: You're the travel agent, right?
(01:39:47) jakkyslife: or any money gram outlet
(01:40:01) jakkyslife: yeah
(01:40:10) tim_hentenaar: Would you be willing to take securities or futures as payment?
(01:41:00) jakkyslife: No...we accept cash only and that will be sent from western union so we can get the monet fast to do whatever we want to do
(01:41:05) tim_hentenaar: Either way, I don't want to leave a paper trail.
(01:41:17) tim_hentenaar: I'm sure you understand
(01:41:41) jakkyslife: I dont understand sir
(01:42:00) tim_hentenaar: Are you incompetant?
(01:42:11) jakkyslife: I am
(01:42:16) tim_hentenaar: I'm certain
(01:42:29) jakkyslife: What im telling sir is that you have the information already
(01:42:38) tim_hentenaar: Naturally
(01:43:24) jakkyslife: Sir if you want to make the payment now you can all western union on phone so they can do that for yu
(01:43:49) tim_hentenaar: I already spoke to Western Union. They assured me I'd have to make the payment in person, with a valid photo ID.
(01:44:09) jakkyslife: You*
(01:44:48) tim_hentenaar: They told me that because of the destination they wouldn't authorize payment without a photo ID.
(01:45:09) jakkyslife: okay good
(01:45:19) jakkyslife: and what time will that be sir?
(01:45:29) tim_hentenaar: Soon as I can get them to agree to my demands
(01:46:14) jakkyslife: okay good
(01:47:03) jakkyslife: What are your demands sir?
(01:48:16) tim_hentenaar: Well, for starters, I want a guarantee that the transaction will be untraceable. Then I want a Cessna Citation X, and a guarantee that I can cross North Korean airspace undisturbed.
(01:48:34) jakkyslife: But i believe what you just need to do is go to there store to send it
(01:48:57) tim_hentenaar: Well, that's the point I'm trying to make. They're giving me a hard time, and their "agents" aren't worth a damn.
(01:50:09) jakkyslife: Okay i understand
(01:51:32) tim_hentenaar: May I ask you a question?
(01:51:41) jakkyslife: So how long will it take you to get back sir?
(01:51:54) jakkyslife: Yeso ahead sir
(01:51:58) tim_hentenaar: Not long at all, I've just got the red ass at the moment.
(01:51:59) tim_hentenaar: Ok.
(01:52:18) tim_hentenaar: If you want to close me, why the hell don't you sell me in the first place?
(01:52:38) jakkyslife: Sell you for whar sir
(01:52:45) jakkyslife: for what sir?
(01:53:53) tim_hentenaar: Telling is not selling, c'mon.
(01:54:50) tim_hentenaar: You want to close me, you should sell me
(01:55:42) jakkyslife: okay
(02:03:47) jakkyslife: Sir sorry to ask again....when do you say you are going to western union?
(02:07:01) tim_hentenaar: When am I going to Western Union? Well, I've been talking to them for 30 minutes now
(02:07:07) tim_hentenaar: I keep arguing with them
(02:07:32) jakkyslife: what is the problem you have with them?
(02:08:02) tim_hentenaar: They're giving me the red ass
(02:08:38) jakkyslife: Okay......you just go there and tender a valid id to send the money sir
(02:08:56) tim_hentenaar: They won't let me in their place. They've threatened to have me arrested
(02:13:21) jakkyslife: Okay sir......send it through money gram outlet then sir
(02:15:41) tim_hentenaar: Well, by God, I can send it any way that doesn't require me to appear in person.
(02:17:58) jakkyslife: Okay i understand sir
(02:18:53) tim_hentenaar: By God! I don't think you're understanding a damn thing. Should I give you an ass-whoopin'? Maybe that might ease my mind. What's your primary language anyway? It certainly ain't English.
(02:20:00) jakkyslife: i speak English much
(02:20:23) tim_hentenaar: What is your first language?
(02:21:09) jakkyslife: No i dont understand
(02:21:28) tim_hentenaar: What is your native language?
(02:22:26) jakkyslife: Spanish
(02:22:58) tim_hentenaar: Y'all speak spanish over there?
(02:23:20) jakkyslife: Hahahahaha
(02:23:34) jakkyslife: do you understand spanish
(02:24:04) tim_hentenaar: a little
(02:24:08) tim_hentenaar: I took a year of it
(02:24:21) jakkyslife: okay can you call my phone now sir
(02:24:35) jakkyslife: i have some other things to attend to
(02:24:48) jakkyslife: we can talk on phone while im doing what im doing here
(02:25:11) tim_hentenaar: What's your number?
(02:25:26) jakkyslife: 2347030372500
(02:26:03) tim_hentenaar: In international format, please
(02:26:11) tim_hentenaar: e.g. +xx nnn-nnn-nnnn
(02:26:30) jakkyslife: +2347030372500
(02:28:00) tim_hentenaar: +234 is the country code for Nigeria, right?
(02:28:12) jakkyslife: yes
(02:29:45) jakkyslife: +234 703 037 2500
(02:32:42) jakkyslife: Thats the correct number sir
(02:40:13) tim_hentenaar: Is it?
(02:40:25) jakkyslife: yes
(02:40:38) tim_hentenaar: Sorry for the delay, I had to piss like a racehorse
(02:40:51) jakkyslife: Okay i understand sir
(02:43:06) tim_hentenaar: I'll call you and stay on till I get cut off, just give me a minute
(02:43:22) jakkyslife: okay sir
(02:44:11) tim_hentenaar: I've got to figure out this damn headset
(02:44:24) jakkyslife: okay
(02:47:54) tim_hentenaar: You ain't never been to the US have you?
(02:48:21) jakkyslife: No
(02:48:36) tim_hentenaar: Well you're going to have to come visit me sometime.
(02:48:44) tim_hentenaar: Then we can square off. We've got a square off place down here close by.
(02:48:56) jakkyslife: okay maybe when i have vacation from work
(02:49:10) jakkyslife: Okay thats sounds good
(02:49:11) tim_hentenaar: How long will that be? I don't know what my schedule's going to be like
(02:49:22) tim_hentenaar: I'm only going to need about five minutes or so
(02:49:41) jakkyslife: Not sure yet...but i will let you know as soon as im free here
(02:50:04) tim_hentenaar: Ok. Well clear it with your boss, and I'll give you a good old fashioned welcome
(02:50:22) jakkyslife: Okay thank you sir
(02:50:48) tim_hentenaar: No problem. Let me promise you that if you come and visit, we'll have a grand old time
(02:51:09) jakkyslife: Okay that will be great
(02:51:13) jakkyslife: Thank you sir
(02:54:45) tim_hentenaar: What do you think about global terrorism?
(02:55:27) jakkyslife: i think its bad thing we have to eradicate
(02:55:36) tim_hentenaar: Then we agree on something
(02:56:06) tim_hentenaar: What do you think about fucking hundreds of people out of their money? How much money do you make in a week?
(02:56:34) jakkyslife: i make about 450 in a week
(02:56:44) tim_hentenaar: USD?
(02:56:53) jakkyslife: yes in usd
(02:57:23) tim_hentenaar: You're going to have to tell me how I can get involved in your business
(02:57:30) jakkyslife: lol
(02:57:35) jakkyslife: its hard
(02:58:10) tim_hentenaar: really?
(02:58:18) jakkyslife: yes
(02:58:35) jakkyslife: i work for 20 hours in aday
(02:58:44) tim_hentenaar: Only? Damn
(02:58:53) tim_hentenaar: I used to work more than that for less
(03:00:18) jakkyslife: okay
(03:00:30) tim_hentenaar: So, why do you work so much?
(03:01:51) jakkyslife: because i have to take care of my family
(03:02:19) tim_hentenaar: Are you a single man, or are you a married man?
(03:02:32) jakkyslife: im married
(03:02:44) tim_hentenaar: Are you married or are you happy? lol
(03:03:00) jakkyslife: im both
(03:03:07) tim_hentenaar: impossible! lol
(03:03:57) jakkyslife: Sir can you call me now i have to attend to other people..we will still talk here while you are on phone with me
(03:04:07) tim_hentenaar: Let me check the price
(03:04:58) jakkyslife: okay you can call me as soon as you make the payment sire
(03:05:20) tim_hentenaar: "Sire?" well by God I ain't your Lord nor your father
(03:06:26) jakkyslife: okay sir
(03:06:43) tim_hentenaar: You're really making me laugh. Thank you for that. I really appreciate it
(03:07:12) jakkyslife: okay you are welcome sir
(03:07:23) tim_hentenaar: No problem!
(03:07:46) jakkyslife: thank you
(03:13:05) jakkyslife: Let me know as soon as you make the payment
(03:13:27) tim_hentenaar: My feller is down there right now
(03:13:42) jakkyslife: okay thats cool
(03:13:52) jakkyslife: let me know when hes back
(03:14:00) tim_hentenaar: He's going to call me when it's done
(03:14:12) tim_hentenaar: I told him to whoop their asses if they gave him any lip
(03:14:25) jakkyslife: Okay...call me too when he is done so i know...im kind of busy now
(03:15:08) tim_hentenaar: Well, I don't give a damn if you're busy. Either you want confirmation or you don't.
(03:15:58) jakkyslife: okay....
(03:16:20) tim_hentenaar: Well, do you want confirmation or don't you? It's either one or zero.
(03:16:28) tim_hentenaar: Yes, I'm a pendantic bastard
(03:16:47) jakkyslife: oh okay
(03:16:59) tim_hentenaar: one or zero?
(03:17:05) tim_hentenaar: true or false?
(03:17:31) jakkyslife: True
(03:17:49) tim_hentenaar: Are you a programmer?
(03:17:56) tim_hentenaar: Do you understand boolean logic?
(03:18:13) jakkyslife: Im not a pragrammer
(03:18:21) tim_hentenaar: Well, I am.
(03:18:31) tim_hentenaar: I'm also an ass whooper
(03:18:32) jakkyslife: Good to know that
(03:19:07) tim_hentenaar: Do you need an ass whoopin'
(03:19:09) tim_hentenaar: ?
(03:19:58) jakkyslife: yes
(03:20:48) tim_hentenaar: Well by God!
(03:21:10) tim_hentenaar: I've got a 55 gal. drum of ass whoop that I'd be more than happy to pour on you when we square off
(03:21:43) tim_hentenaar: If you'd like that, of course
(03:21:56) jakkyslife: okay sir
(03:22:51) tim_hentenaar: Would you like that?
(03:24:11) jakkyslife: Yes but that when im free
(03:24:22) jakkyslife: i will buzz you when im free
(03:27:41) tim_hentenaar: Right now, I've got the red ass though
(03:27:49) jakkyslife: okay
(03:31:36) tim_hentenaar: Have I got you tongue-tied?
(03:31:44) jakkyslife: no
(03:31:49) jakkyslife: im bussy
(03:32:15) tim_hentenaar: Well, get them other people out of your ass and talk to me. How old are you, anyway?
(03:32:53) jakkyslife: Im 29 yrs old
(03:33:08) tim_hentenaar: Ok, did you go to college?
(03:33:29) jakkyslife: yes i did
(03:33:34) tim_hentenaar: What did you major in?
(03:34:09) jakkyslife: bussiness admnistration
(03:34:21) jakkyslife: administration*
(03:34:24) tim_hentenaar: Well, it obviously wasn't sales
(03:34:37) tim_hentenaar: What sort of business do you administer?
(03:35:28) jakkyslife: Well i did not later work according to what i read in the college
(03:35:36) jakkyslife: I have to answer my boss call
(03:35:38) jakkyslife: brb
(03:35:52) tim_hentenaar: Bullshit! Tell your boss to get stuffed!
(03:36:07) tim_hentenaar: You've got a fucking whale, you need to reel him in
(03:36:28) jakkyslife: i will be back in few min

Now, that was probably the most hilarious part. I especially like the way he admitted his incompetence, and the fact that he needs an ass whoopin'. lmfao. I think someone should use one of those Duke Nukem soundboards to call them. If anyone does, send me the recording, or post it on YouTube and send me a link.

Now, I drug it out for some time, then stopped talking abruptly (I went to sleep.) This afternoon I got this:

(16:02:14) jenny_campbell007 has signed on.
(16:34:35) jenny_campbell007: ogun go kill you
(16:34:49) jenny_campbell007: kill your mama and your papa
(17:20:16) tim_hentenaar: Blow it out your ass. I've got balls of steel!
(17:29:32) jenny_campbell007 has signed off.

That just made me laugh even harder.